My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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