FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
