I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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