my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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