saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
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She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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