Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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