Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
