your room smells of hookers.
And success
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
