Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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