OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
