is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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