Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
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