Midget sex pt 2 tonight
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
