in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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