My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
