there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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