Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
