My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
In other news, I just burned my penis
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
