I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
