We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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