Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Is it penis luge time yet?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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