When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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