hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
