Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
