He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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