There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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