pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
