There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
