I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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