I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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