Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
