it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He passed out mid-signature
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
