So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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