I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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