Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
