Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
