Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
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I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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