She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
