I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
