bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
