so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
