why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
