I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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