i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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