You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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