you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
