You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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