I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
