I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
