if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
