the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
