Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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