can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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