Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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