The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
