Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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