Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
