how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
you told grandpa to call you daddy
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I use my feet as sexual weapons
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
