It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
