i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
