he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
