On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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