I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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